


just thinking of the right things to say

by Zelinxia



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Communication, Crying, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Supportive Yuuri Katsuki, post episode 11
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-21
Updated: 2016-12-21
Packaged: 2018-09-10 22:54:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8942812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zelinxia/pseuds/Zelinxia
Summary: When Yuuri has the courage to tell Viktor he wants to retire after the GPF, something he says strikes a fatal nerve in Viktor. And for once, Viktor is allowed to feel.Episode 11 coda fic





	

**Author's Note:**

> T-minus less than an hour until Ep. 12 goes up with subs...but phew managed to slide my prediction fic in. This is honestly a little bit more of an indulgent fic, of what I'd like to see play out, because to be honest, I think most of these things would not realistically happen. Except Viktor getting upset.
> 
> Thanks to cloverfield for beta'ing!
> 
> Title is from When In Rome's "The Promise"

“After the finals, let’s end this.”

 

Yuuri’s fiancé, downright relaxed – clad in bathrobe and slippers, hair flat and damp – tilts his head.

 

“I don’t understand,” he says.

 

Everything will be okay, Yuuri tells himself. Even though his hands shake. It’s been overdue since the Rostelecom Cup, but he needs to make it clear to Viktor about his decision.

 

“I can’t thank you enough for all your help in the last eight months. But it’s time that I retire, so I want you to step down as my coach when this is all over.” 

 

The damp towel falls on the floor. Crestfallen, Viktor leans over and takes Yuuri’s hands in his, squeezing them. In Viktor’s language, it means  _ please look at me _ , so he does his best. Viktor’s mouth is tight.

 

“Is it because you feel upset about your performance today? Yuuri, darling, you did so well. I know you probably didn’t see me, since doing jumps makes that tricky, but when you were about to do your quad flip I timed it so I would do one with you. Well, not a quad, more like a single because I didn’t have the speed and power like you did, but I jumped along with you! Yuuri?”

 

After watching JJ struggle in his SP, and feeling more compassion than the urge to gloat, Yuuri realized he should not regret his attempt of a quad flip, no matter how frustrated he was on ice. But he can’t deny how grateful he is to hear some appraisal after the silence he has had to endure the rest of the event tonight. Smiling, he squeezes Viktor’s hands in return.

 

“Actually, no. I made this decision in Moscow, and I was going to tell you when I got back home. But then, I couldn’t. Because…”

 

In truth, he had not expected both Viktor and Makkachin to greet him at Fukuoka International Airport. Had not expected to run on instinct to hold onto Viktor for life, after hours and days spent apart in pure agony. His mind urged him to declare his retirement at a precise time, but his heart instead made it vague. And then Viktor had surprised him, bringing up the subject of  _ marriage _ . How could he have clarified then?

 

“Yuuri,” Viktor drawls, in that tone when he means affection, but also presses for more. “Are you? Questioning about  _ these _ ?”

 

He grows conscious of the weight of his and Viktor’s rings in their intertwined fingers. And for a short moment, their hands tremble. He knows he is still shaking, but he catches on that Viktor is as well. Pressing his lips, Yuuri shakes his head.

 

“Is it.” And his gentle smile fades away. “Because I wasn’t a good coach then?”

 

“No. Please, Viktor. Just listen to me.”

 

He sighs. “Okay. Then why do you want to retire?”

 

Here it comes, again. The fragments of things people – skaters, coaches, the press, fans – have said to Yuuri, both directly and indirectly, about Viktor’s rightful place on ice. The alienation he had felt in Russia, especially when he was left alone with Viktor’s former coach. And lastly, the strong memory of Viktor’s declaration that the Grand Prix finals will be their shared destination, when he first ran into him at the onsen.

 

_ Be brave _ , he tells himself,  _ for Viktor’s sake _ .

 

“Because it is impossible for you to stay as my coach and for me to let you go back to what you love. Competing.” 

 

There. He says it. And he lets the eye contact go, because he doesn’t want to see whatever Viktor’s eyes say. In his peripheral vision, Viktor’s jaw slackens.

 

“If that’s your reasoning, you can easily hire another coach. Any, anyone should be delighted to work with you,” he says.

 

Stubborn, stubborn Viktor. Yuuri closes his eyes, then says, “I don’t want that. I just want to retire.”

 

“Then theoretically, how will we stay together?”

 

“I’ll move to Russia. St. Petersburg, right? Or wherever you choose to train.” 

 

“Yuuri.”

 

“It’ll be hard. But you sacrificed everything to move to Hasetsu. I can return the favor to be with you.”

 

“Yuuri,  _ why? _ ”

 

He loves Viktor, but when Viktor questions everything he is saying or suggesting, it eats at him.

 

“ _ Why? _ Because you miss skating. I saw how you greeted the public cheerfully at Rostelecom. I saw the way you look watching the others tonight.”

 

“I do miss it, but I –”  

 

“So why not go back to skating? Where you belong.”

 

With his eyes still squeezed shut, he wonders how Viktor will react. Relief and gratitude, he supposes. But seconds pass, and the silence becomes dreadful. Then Viktor lets go of his fingers, followed with something that sounds like Makkachin crying. Wait, but Makkachin is back in Hasetsu, not in Barcelona. Is Viktor?

 

Yuuri blinks wide open, then again in shock. Viktor is nowhere relieved or happy. He’s  _ crying. _

 

“How could you?” Viktor starts. “Don’t.”

 

Oh god, oh no, how did this happen?  Where did he mess up? Yuuri is used to crying, used to breaking under pressure or stress, but Viktor? He’s never seen him cry before and this is far from what he expected. Calm down, calm down, he needs to ease the situation.

 

“I’m so sorry, I did not mean to make you cry.”

 

“What?”

 

Viktor raises his knuckles beneath an eye and wipes. He stares at the tear stains in plain disbelief. In a blink and you miss it, he looks at Yuuri in terror, then shuts his white-turned knuckles over his eyes.

 

Is he mad? Ashamed?

 

“Viktor.” Yuuri goes in to hug Viktor around the waist, but he coils and leans away, pressing his back tightly against the windows overlooking beautiful Barcelona.

 

He feels his heart plunging. Yuuri used to run away to be alone before he allowed himself to cry. Whether it was after performances, or that time in Detroit when he was upset over a rink-mate who needed emergency operation after a nasty injury, Yuuri refused to let anyone see him at his moments of weakness.

 

_ “Yuuri, you’re not weak. No one thinks you are.” _

 

Not that Viktor’s reassurance completely wipe away his insecurities, but he’s been opening more, bit by bit. Likewise, Viktor should, too.

 

“Viktor, I’m sorry. I know it sucks to cry. But, um, you just have to let it out. And please, tell me what I did or said wrong.”

 

Hell, Yuuri wants to cry. But he sucks in a deep breath. Now’s not the time to upset Viktor furthermore, or else he’ll evade talking and drop aside his intense feelings to reassure Yuuri.  _ Stay strong, stay strong. _

 

“How could you say that?”

 

Finally, Viktor lowers his fists. He already seems to have stopped crying. Even with bloodshot eyes, he frowns, and Yuuri knows he is plain angry. 

 

“You’re wrong.  _ All _ of you are wrong. But you, of all people.”

 

Yuuri flinches. “What am I wrong about?”

 

“I’m used to having everyone tell me to go back to Russia. Go back to competing a few more seasons. But you asked me to ‘be just Viktor’. In Beijing, you said to simply stay by your side. I suppose you do like me as your coach. You surprised me every time. So now _you_ also think skating is where I belong?”

 

All those times these same people have told Yuuri to return Viktor to the world, Yuuri had put on an air of confidence and dismissed them as best as he could – while he internalized them and worked hard to prove Viktor’s coaching was never a waste. Viktor had never said anything back. He had always listened to them in amusement. 

 

Yuuri knows Viktor thinks and plans and talks. But when it comes to feelings, he is frustratingly not good with that, just as much as it takes time for him to understand that most skaters are not like him. Before, Yuuri of course could not have any idea of what a toll the demands have had on his coach, his inspiration, his best friend, his  _ lover _ . All he knows is that while he has felt ongoing pressure to succeed and show to the world that Viktor’s choice is wise, is that he got tired of people assuming Viktor had no say in this; how dare Viktor choose this.

 

Yuuri unknowingly has done the same thing. 

 

_ Oh. _

 

“Viktor, has anyone ever asked you what you want?”

 

Palm pressed to his forehead, Viktor throws his head back and laughs. It’s broken and sharp – and Yuuri’s gripping onto his sheets in anticipation of anything unexpected to happen next – but then Viktor’s crying all over again. Alarmed, Yuuri seizes the chance to hold Viktor before he can escape.

 

“ _ Vitya _ . What’s on your mind?”

 

Viktor slumps over his shoulders. “Yuuri. You. Always you. The first one to treat me differently, making me feel things? I’m having hard time with words but I’m. I’m angry and hurt but happy? But no, you’re the first to ask me this, so now I’m stupidly falling for you all over again, oh my god.”

 

“Um.” Yuuri flushes bright red. “Please don’t say how you feel about me is stupid.”

 

Viktor holds him tighter and sobs. Yuuri has nothing to say so he lets him, because sometimes people just need to have a good cry, and it breaks his heart that Viktor was never able to lean on someone and just and cry and feel.

 

He then speaks, low and hoarse, that Yuuri must strain to hear him. “To be honest. I want to retire for good.” 

 

Yuuri hums in acknowledgement. “How long ago?” 

 

“I entertained it even since last season. But I reached the decision here in Barcelona, when we -” 

 

Viktor waves his right hand, and in the window’s reflection, the glow of his golden ring flashes as if for all of Barcelona to see.

 

So, all those doubts. All the fear and dread Yuuri had felt earlier tonight at the rink, watching Viktor admire the other skaters with wonder and awe in his eyes had been mistaken. Viktor had not been thinking about returning to the ice. Yuuri tries his best to digest Viktor’s wish: that Viktor has no desire to compete ever again.

 

“I got tired of being up there alone. If I were to go back up there, even with you by my side, I don’t want any of that.”

 

He lets go of Yuuri, then takes hold of his chin. 

 

“Forgive me, Yuuri, for being unable to tell you how I feel until now. As your coach, I’d love to see you continue the rest of the season.”

 

“Viktor!” Yuuri squirms. “Wait, I have thought of this as my final event no matter what you wanted.”

 

“Nope.” He flicks a finger at Yuuri’s nose. “We’re going to wait until after the finals and then we’ll discuss this matter properly. Your  _ coach’s _ order.”

 

He does not miss the iciness. “Sorry again,” Yuuri says.

 

Viktor shakes his head. “No, not just on you. Both of us should have talked about this long ago.” He then smiles.

 

“But as for the real Viktor, whom I promised to show you, I want nothing more than to retire and stay in Hasetsu, and marry you.”

 

No longer able to hold it back, Yuuri weeps. He leans in, and Viktor meets him halfway so that their kiss is brief and soft. Yuuri holds onto Viktor again, and tighter.

 

“Viktor,” he says. “When you’re ready to announce your retirement, I want to be there with you for support.”

 

“Oh, well, thanks?”

 

“Yes, you should thank me.” Yuuri playfully punches Viktor in the shoulder. “I don’t want you to be alone, that’s all.”

 

He snorts. “Yuuri, are you trying to protect me? I’m flattered.”

 

“If it helps, for a while I skated to ‘On Love – Eros’ with the mentality that I am proud to be the man who stole you from the world.”

 

“ _ Wow.” _

**Author's Note:**

> Team Let Viktor Retire 2k?? all the way!!!
> 
> When that episode 10 summary came out saying Viktor still does not know Yuuri's other decision (hinting at the "retire after GPF"), I immediately thought of how upset he would be if Yuuri also says "you belong to skating". Then Ep 11 happened and we're left with "let's end this" and yeah, I had to write my idea out.
> 
> Also, more supportive Yuuri!!!


End file.
